Catholic v. Jewish Golf Match

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness“, said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.“

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don‘t we have a Cardinal
to represent me?“ he asked.

“None that plays very well,“ a Cardinal replied. “But,“ he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition,
to showing our spirit of cooperation, we‘ll also win the match.“

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,“ said the
golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal
Nicklaus,“ said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don‘t like to brag, but even though I‘ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must‘ve been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

“There‘s bad news?“, the Pope asked.

“Yes,“ Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.“

Osama‘s Valentine

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine‘s Day. “Since Valentine‘s Day is for a Christian saint and we‘re Jewish,“ he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?“

David‘s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don‘t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?“

“Osama Bin Laden,“ David says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,“ his father asks in shock.

“Well,“ David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we‘re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he‘d love everyone a lot. And then he‘d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn‘t hate anyone anymore.“

His father‘s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

“David, that‘s the most wonderful thing I‘ve ever heard.“

“I know,“ David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him.“

walking up the steps

reuven shimon & levi went touring in nyc on vacation. they stayed on the 60th floor of a large apartment building.
before they went out touring, reuven gave the key to their room to levi to hold, saying that he may lose it. levi also feared losing it, so he gave it to the attendant of the building to hold for them.

one night, upon arriving home very late, the attendant of the apartment building said that the elevator is broken. they‘d have to walk up 60 flights to their room. they decided that to pass time, reuven will sing the first 20 flights, shimon will tell funny stories for the next 20 flights, & levi will tell sad stories for the last 20 flights.

as they were huffing & puffing through the 1st 20 flights, reuven was singing. when they finally reached the 20th flight, shimon had them rolling with laughter from his funny stories. at the 40th flight, when they felt as if they were about to drop dead, reuven turned to levi and said your turn to tell us sad stories. levi looked up & said i can only think of 1 sad story-we left the key at the bottom!!!